


only your smile kills the dark in me

by Cressara



Category: Final Fantasy XIV
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-15
Updated: 2019-09-15
Packaged: 2020-11-02 06:07:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20647433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cressara/pseuds/Cressara
Summary: a heartbroken adventurer struggles to overcome the grief of loss.





	only your smile kills the dark in me

I awake in a cold sweat, my hair wet and matted with fresh tears. I feel like I just barely managed to close my eyes, yet here I am again, awake and realizing just how much space is in this bed. In this house. I have to get out; I need to get out. In here, I'm trapped. Surrounded, drowning in his scent, his memory.

Sometimes I think I can still hear him calling me.

I brush it off; my subconscious must be taunting me. I wipe the ever-present layer of tears from my eyes, a futile gesture. The raw skin stings like salt in an open wound. I pull myself out of bed, and spot one of his books on the bedside shelf. My stomach turns. I feel my heart fall into the pit of my abdomen. I remember the day we bought this. The memory flashes in my mind like broken fragments, each individual picture threatening to strangle me as my throat closes, and once again I have to choke back tears. I feel like a teapot, ready to boil over, threatening to scream.

It's been one week. I've been told that as time passes by, the pain gets easier; the reality is that with each day, each hour, each minute, the fire of agony in my heart only burns brighter. Only 200 more years of this to go, and it's all my fault.

I place my hand on the wooden railing and begin to descend the staircase. The chill of the steps on my feet makes me shiver. When I near the bottom, my eyes dart to the place his sword has rested since last he used it. My gaze lingers for far too long, and I realize I've stopped moving. I shake my head free of distractions and go to the kitchen. When I open the cupboards, they're completely empty save for various spices. Not like I could eat even if I wanted to. The cat has been missing for the past few days, the flowers in my garden are wilting, the piano collecting dust. I haven't seen my brother in months. I don't have much of anything anymore.

When I finally peek through the mental fog, I find myself standing at the table, my fist in a tight ball. Despite my white-knuckle grip, my palm is cold. I feel something hard, and bring my palm upward to see the same sight I've seen the past few days - a dark knight soul crystal, shining knowingly up at me. Turin's soul crystal.

The reflection of the light on its surface glares at me accusingly. _What do you want? _I think to myself, my heart aching as I find myself in this situation once again. For a moment, I almost think I hear a whisper in response. I tuck the stone into my pocket and take a seat at the table. The only sound that cuts through the deafening silence is the ticking of the clock. I now begin to wonder why I even got out of bed. My vision blurs as my eyes begin to line with pathetic tears once again. There is nothing for me here. This is no one for my here.

I fold my arms on the table and bury face into my skin, my shoulders rising and falling with the sobs that force their way out of me.

* * *

When I open my eyes, I'm back in the Shroud, Turin at my side. A giant beast looms in front of us. "No!" I scream, and I take off running to try to stop him. Then, I see myself, fighting at his side with rapier and channeler in hand. "Don't do it!" I shout, trying to stop myself from doing what comes next, but it's too late. She can't hear me. She never can.

My mirror image lunges forward, her sword searing into the beast's flank with powerful arcane energy. The monster lets out a roar, and above the noise, I can barely hear him call out my name in warning. She is side swept by the beast, her body flying backward across the open field, her sword tossed the opposite direction. The creature turns to lunge at her, surely finishing her off - but Turin places a hand to his chest. I try to close my eyes, but the image is burned into the back of my eyelids. Dark flames engulf the highlander as he conjures a forbidden art. He is about to end it all for my mistake. He throws himself in front of the monster's next attack, its giant claws tearing through his chest like scissors to tissue paper. But he doesn't flinch. My mirror image screams out his name. She knows what comes next. We both do.

In one final all out attempt, Turin raises his gun and charges a bullet with his untapped dark arts, the sound of the shot ringing out across my memory into the open field. The viera clutches her dislocated shoulder as she struggles to reach him, her voice coming out in broken sobs. My voice.

"Stay back!" I hear him shout, as the bullet that lodged itself inside the monster explodes into dark spikes. It screams out in pain as they tear into its flesh, turning the creature into nothing more than minced meat. When it breathes its last, Turin falls to his knees, the pain finally catching up to him.

Cressara, her eyes filled with so many tears she can hardly see, crawls her way across the grass to pull him into her arms. His eyes flutter, and he reaches a single shaking hand up to hold her cheek. I try to will myself to move, but my legs remain frozen. The highlander turns his head to me, his glazed eyes locking onto mine. I try to scream. I try to run. I know what his next words will be:

_"This was all your fault." _

A scream rips its way out of me like something feral, and I fall to my knees. I clutch my head in my hands, tears flowing from me like a river. This is the part where I wake up. Why am I still here? Why do I have to live the rest of my life in this cruel moment?

"You don't," a voice says from behind me, and I jump to my feet. The person who stands before me now is another version of myself, clad with armor and a familiar sword sheated on her back. She is holding her hand out to me.

"You can stop this," she says without moving her lips. She extends her hand further, and in it I see the soul crystal. "You can end all of this."

I take her hand.

* * *

When I finally pull my head up off the table, my throat feels raw, and my eyelids are swollen. Despite my lack of rest, I feel reinvigorated. I reach into my pocket and gaze at the stone, hesitating before I close my eyes. Images play across my mind as I focus on the crystal's energy. These are the memories of its past wielders, each one teaching me how to use a different technique. My fist tightens as I live through _his _experiences, but this time, I will not cry.

When I open my eyes, I feel my heart stop as a figure now sits across the table from me. I struggle to comprehend, my head spinning, as I lock eyes with Turin. I feel a sickness begin to crawl its way up the back of my throat, threatening to come out. I try to speak, but I can't find the words. What I see before me is equal parts real and unreal; I understand now that he is a part of me, and I know what he wants me to do. I know what I want to do. I bite my lip hard and close my eyes harder. There are those damn tears again. I jump and my eyes startle open as I feel a warm hand on my shoulder, but when I look, he's gone.

I feel the tension leave my body as I collapse back against my seat. My gaze fixes on the sword, and I stare at its intricate design for what feels like hours. The words I heard in my dream echo in my mind, but I shake my head. "I can't just undo what's already been done," I muse aloud, breathing a helpless sigh.

"Of course you can't," his voice responds from somewhere in the back of my mind. I am too tired, too hurt, too befuddled to fight against it any longer. As long as I get to hear his voice, I will shoulder any burden.

"What do I do?" I ask, letting his presence wash over me. "How can I save you?"

"Destroy them," he answers, his warm, nurturing tone completely misconstruing the nature of his message. "Show them all what it means to lose somethin' you love."

**Author's Note:**

> i'm like a rose thrown into a violent breeze  
deep inside, i'm alive  
for my love, i'll survive  
i won't regret making this sinful wish of mine


End file.
